“We all have big changes in our lives that are more or
less second chances.” – Harrison Ford
Growing up, I was always terrified of change. My parents
and I moved to a new house when I was 9, and I was devastated. It was less than
a mile away from our old house. Ridiculous, right? Now that I’ve experienced a
good number more changes in my life, my opinion of them has…well, changed. In
the past couple of years, I’ve come to agree more and more with that quote from
the (wait for it) legendary Mr. Ford. I’ve been given my fair share of second
chances, probably more than I deserve. In order to get to this point, though –
in order to see these big changes as second chances – I had to go all the way
down to rock bottom and come all the way back up.
(trigger warning: depression and suicidal
ideation)
Last spring, I was the closest I’ve ever been to rock
bottom. Really, I felt myself brushing up against the stone at the bottom of the
pit while I was desperately grasping at the ropes holding me up. My fourth year
of college/second year of pharmacy school was the longest and absolute worst
episode of it. Most of the year is a blur, especially fall 2011. I had brief
periods of feeling awake and alive, but soon I slipped right back into the fog
that had surrounded me.
I spent the spring semester playing catch-up, trying to
get back to a satisfactory point in all aspects of my life: school,
relationships, responsibilities, etc. And I just couldn’t do it. I was about to
be kicked out of school, probably should have been dismissed from my job, and
felt more alone than ever before. I was spread so thin that I couldn’t fix even
one area of my life adequately. So I hoped, wished, and wanted to end it. There
were so many nights when I was so close, but I couldn’t. I had to keep going
because of my friends, mentors, and peers, especially those at
Creighton.
This summer, I started taking an antidepressant. If
you’re at all familiar with antidepressants, you know that they take a good 6-8
weeks before they really kick in. I definitely noticed that difference after
about 8 weeks. May, June, and early July 2012 were extraordinarily difficult
months; I couldn’t have a conversation with my parents without someone ending up
in tears or screaming, I lost the job that I’d only had for a couple months, and
most of my friends moved away or were going to move soon. But things started
changing mid-July. I got a new job, I figured out how my relationships were
going to work, and the rift between my parents and me began to mend. Now I can
say that, while I may not have everything figured out, I’m pretty dang satisfied
with the life I’m currently living.
I was given a second chance at life this year. I know
that I’m lucky to be able to say that. They were the ropes holding me up in that
pit called rock bottom. I was (and still am) incredibly fortunate to be
surrounded by people whom I love and who love me in return. Things are not
perfect, and maybe they never will be. But I know that the community I’ve built
for myself will always be here to support me.
Mental health is a topic not often brought up in polite
conversation. It’s tender, unpleasant, and uncomfortable, so we as a society
tend to avoid discussing it. The problem with that is that it’s something we
need to talk about. Maybe you’ve had experiences similar to mine, or that
you will in the future. And I want you to know that you are not alone, no matter
how much it feels like it. There is and always will be someone who loves you.
There is and always will be someone who can stand with you. I know it’s
terrifying to reach out for help, but it’s worth it. And who knows…maybe it
seems like the world is crashing down around you, but in the end you’ll find
that life gives you a second chance.
As the 10th Doctor says,
“The human race just keeps on going, keeps on changing. Life will out!” Find
those changes, take those chances, and make your life what you want it to be.
Only you can do that, but don’t forget – there are always going to be people to
help you do it.
Kindly,
Ali G.
